This Is Not Brain Surgery...
Today was a day of self-doubt and sadness and now, I'm just plain pissed off. Self-doubt because I finally finished writing my final exam for my course but I'm so uncertain as to whether it is good. I had students writing to me all weekend complaining about all the material to learn, and now, I had office hours today, and they're all bitching again, some on the way that I presented the material differently from my co-instructor, some on the volume of information. I'm just feeling like I screwed up somehow. Mind you, I have come to learn that students will complain regardless of what they have to do but ugh. They are complaining how tough the material is, but honestly, it's really not brain surgery. Yes, it is a class where there is quite a bit of memorization by its nature but now I'm wondering what I might have done wrong. I'm all twisted up inside. I hope my class evaluations don't suck too much.
I was sad today because I had to finally transfer my health care card and driver's license to Ontario cards. I was allowed to keep them for about 5 years since I was an out-of-province student. This means I'm now an Ontarian. I'm a bit sad about that to be honest. I have nothing against it but it made me miss home today.
Currently, I'm just pissed off because my roommate is being her picky self. 5 minutes before TDS, I turn on the lights and the TV in the living room and put my bottle of nail polish on the living room table. Yes, once a week, I like to change my nail polish on my feet and nails. So my roommate decides to get out of her room, get a bowl of cereal, and come sit on one of the living room couches to read a book. Then, she complains it will smell like nail polish, and how with the AC going and the windows closed, it will recycle the smell, blablabla,... I'm not too happy at this point, but I say: "I'll do my nails later." I have no interest in starting a battle. And then, she's like: "No, no. Go ahead. Really." ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, so I stare angrily at the TV, wanting to focus on enjoying TDS as opposed to being pissed off. After a few minutes her phone rings (it rings constantly so it's always a good trick to wait out the call that will take her away from wherever she is). So then, I decide to do my nails. After they are dry, it doesn't smell. Well, she has to come and open the window in the living room, and in the kitchen. Then, she says good night at 11:30, meaning I have to turn off the TV so she can sleep without the glare of it. I swear, I wanted to unscrew my head and throw it at her. LOL I'm not sure what it would accomplish besides freaking her out. I'm so tired these days that I just can't put up with this shit.
Mostly, I'm just sad and upset. I'm crying, and I just can't stop. Honestly, I'm not even sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm feeling alone in the universe tonight.
I was sad today because I had to finally transfer my health care card and driver's license to Ontario cards. I was allowed to keep them for about 5 years since I was an out-of-province student. This means I'm now an Ontarian. I'm a bit sad about that to be honest. I have nothing against it but it made me miss home today.
Currently, I'm just pissed off because my roommate is being her picky self. 5 minutes before TDS, I turn on the lights and the TV in the living room and put my bottle of nail polish on the living room table. Yes, once a week, I like to change my nail polish on my feet and nails. So my roommate decides to get out of her room, get a bowl of cereal, and come sit on one of the living room couches to read a book. Then, she complains it will smell like nail polish, and how with the AC going and the windows closed, it will recycle the smell, blablabla,... I'm not too happy at this point, but I say: "I'll do my nails later." I have no interest in starting a battle. And then, she's like: "No, no. Go ahead. Really." ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, so I stare angrily at the TV, wanting to focus on enjoying TDS as opposed to being pissed off. After a few minutes her phone rings (it rings constantly so it's always a good trick to wait out the call that will take her away from wherever she is). So then, I decide to do my nails. After they are dry, it doesn't smell. Well, she has to come and open the window in the living room, and in the kitchen. Then, she says good night at 11:30, meaning I have to turn off the TV so she can sleep without the glare of it. I swear, I wanted to unscrew my head and throw it at her. LOL I'm not sure what it would accomplish besides freaking her out. I'm so tired these days that I just can't put up with this shit.
Mostly, I'm just sad and upset. I'm crying, and I just can't stop. Honestly, I'm not even sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm feeling alone in the universe tonight.
Labels: Ontario, Quebec, roommate, teaching, The Daily Show
posted by Brain Diva at 12:05 p.m.
4 Comments:
You know, self doubt is such a universal thing that helps bind us as humans. Without it, we'd all be arrogant narcissists. Of course, too much of anything tips to the scales toward dysfunction, and purportedly we can all blame our upbringing for that... lol.
If we truly erred then at least we can with humility take away a lesson for the future.
It's interesting, for me anyway - having come from a somewhat intensive field field of study that involved TA's etc there for their own field of rsearch and post-grad study, to see it from that perspective. I did my share of grumbling and bitching about teaching styles and grading. (Not to them, mind you- it was just to let off steam. I would never have presumed to go criticize someone to their facce and imply they sucked at what they were doing!) You know, even if your exam was too hard? (And the only person qualified to make that judgment is a peer, or your advisor, not your students imho) What is the worst that happens? It gets scaled. Big deal.
Bottom line; tell them to go pound sand unless they want to sit on your side of the desk.
I know you don't need me to tell you this, and the moment is gone now anyway- but why the fuck else do we have these blogs if not to soothe each other's psyches and get feedback? LOL
As for your roommate- I feel for you. You need to stop giving in to her manipulations. You are enabling her and you know better. You know as well as I do you don't have to be confrontational or antagonistic to assert yourself, and if she then choses to get defensive or pick a fight it's not your issue. jmho.
You need a vacation babe. LOL
I don't like we can't edit our comments. I had to remove my comment, and repost it to add something.
Anyway, of course, I'd rather be self-doubting and self-reflective than an egotistic, cocky, overly-confident bitch but it would make it easier on my emotions. LOL
The moment has indeed passed, and with sleep comes perspective usually. No, none of my students said I was a bad teacher but they were trying to get me to say they wouldn't have to work hard to do well on the exam. Or something. They didn't do super well on the midterm (in that less-factual way the other instructor taught) so they're projecting all their insecurities upon me. I just wasn't up to taking them yesterday, I guess. I did my share of blowing off steam too growing up but never in front of the teacher. Students have become more and more demanding though.
I've always been one to doubt if I am up to the challenge when it comes to most things. Maybe I show it less as I get older but this is nothing new to me... LOL
As for my roommate, I don't know if I'm enabling her. I mean, I can't get my way about everything. I realize I probably do things too that drive her crazy. Compromise is necessary in a co-habitation situation. I need to bitch about it sometimes but many of the things I bitch about are details in the grand scheme of things. I can see that, even if it doesn't make less frustrating. Besides, I usually do the things I want to do anyway, even if it means sneaking around as not to get her yapping about it. That technique has always worked great for my brother. LOL
You are right though. I need a vacation away from it all!
It's hard having roomates as you get older. A co-worker is going through the same thing right now. She sooo wants to move on her own, but things are not cheap out here. *big huggles* One day you will be super rich and be able to have an apartment all your own. =D
Thanks, Bee. It's a bit the same for me. Technically, I could afford a tiny bachelor apartment for 200$ than this but that would mean never going out or doing anything because the money would be too tight. The sacrifice is worth to have to share. I keep thinking that, in 2 years, I'll be able to get my own place.
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