You had a date last night. You met and talked with this guy online a few times. You seemed to have quite a bit in common: you both liked TDS & politics, music, history... He seemed nice enough, not too boorish, and clever. He was overall the type of guy you usually like (i.e., geeky computer type) even though he was a bit younger than you. So when he asked you for coffee, you said sure. In hindsight, this was a most crucial mistake!
You shall try to trace all the clues that would explain the disastrous nature of this date. You get to the meeting place, and the first 2 clues that this will not go well for you are that 1) this perfect stranger gives you a tight hug despite your outstretched arm for a hand shake, and 2) he stares more at your boobs than your eyes! And you are not wearing a revealing neckline by any means. Anyway, you try to discount these as the awkward first moments of a meeting. Clue 3: As soon as you sit at a table in the coffee shop with this stranger, he leans into the table and puts his drink on your half of the table. There could be trouble brewing. So you sit and discuss generalities about your lives. He was more clever online but there have been worse conversations. Clue 4: In a very quiet coffee shop, date is incredibly and inappropriately loud. But you have been known to be loud yourself since you don't have the keenest hearing so you let this slide. An old man sitting in the coffee shop overhears your conversation, and joins in. Date is nice, and polite to him so it looks like he might not be a bad guy after all. Still, old man will be the highlight of your night. He was sweet, and had nice stories to tell.
After 10 minutes of chitchat with old man river, you decide to go walking for a bit. For those at home keeping score, you are probably on minute 20 of a first date. Clue 5: Date decides holding your hand on the street is a good plan. Doesn't ask, of course. Clue 6: You try to be evasive with your hand since you don't feel at a hand-holding stage but you don't want to be rude and make your date feel uncomfortable. Date takes evasive hand to mean that he should wrap his arm around your shoulders instead! Clue 7 you're on a bad date: You point out to date you are not comfortable with such gestures, and he looks puzzled. Clue 8 you're on the worst date ever: He goes back to holding your hand! After a bit, you start talking again, and as you are wont to talking with your hands, you free yourself from his clutch. You are never at ease on a first date, but to say you are flustered and uncomfortable at this point is an understatement. You try to get him to talk about what he does, but clearly, he leads a very boring life because he has little to say. Date wonders why you are quiet, and you explain you slept about 2 hours last night, and are tired. He says he lives on that much sleep, and it is not that bad. Clearly, there is something wrong with you.
Clue 9: You get to a street corner, waiting for the light to turn green, he takes this to mean he needs to hug you, and lean in for a kiss. 25 minutes in, people!!! Clue 10: You point out you're not exactly at the kissing stage, and he tells you you should relax, you're too tense. Clue 11: He says you will change your mind about the kiss later in the evening. You're figuring out you won't.
After a few more minutes of walking and meaningless chit-chat, you decide to give him a chance to redeem himself by taking him into a bookstore nearby. Said bookstore is having a big hoopla for the release of the most recent Harry Potter novel. Camera crews are even there. Clue 12 your night is not going well: Date decides to comment loudly for all to hear that he doesn't care about Harry Potter. He disrupts the camera crew's filming. Only 40 minutes into the date but you are seriously planning your escape. You start thinking you should distract the date for 2 minutes and try to sneak out the nearby exit. You're in your mid 20s so you think you need to deal with this like a real woman.
You continue browsing books, keeping a distance from date. Clue 13: Date brushes past you repeatedly, trying to touch your hand. You roll your eyes so much that you are worried they might fall into your skull. Date tries to make funny and smart comments about the books. Date is neither funny nor particularly smart. He is just overly confident about his sense of humour and intellect.
Watch indicates the one-hour mark. You decide you've put in a good effort. This evening is not going to get any better, and you can't take any more discomfort. You indicate to your date you are tired, need to get out of the noisy bookstore, and get some rest. Clue 14: He suggests going to hang out elsewhere. You decline. You are walking speedily in front of him. There is no pretense of talking anymore. You think the jig is up. You announce this is the subway entrance. Since he lives close by, you assume he'll walk home. Clue 15: He decides to take the subway too.
You get on the subway. Clue 16: He starts rubbing circles on your back. You tell yourself this is almost over. This is his stop so you bid him goodbye. Clue 17: He insists on riding the subway with you home! Really, you shouldn't be riding the subway alone at 9:35 pm. You firmly decline saying you don't need anyone to take you home. (Especially not him, you think). Clue 18: He hugs you, and tries to lean in for a goodnight kiss. You wonder if he has a borderline IQ.
You are upset with this moron, and wonder what you did to deserve this. You stop by to rent some girly movies to make you feel better. Then, you get home, and delete all his contact info. You call your best friend, and you laugh till you cry about the worst date in the history. Everything again is right with the world. One down, hmmmm...3 billion more to go? ;)
